Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend