Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.