Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah