Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
nature’s most graceful animal
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My Plans 2020
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.