MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
do u think theres a butter planet?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
こいつ天才
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.