I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.