Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Me when my alarm goes off
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
gm
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic