Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up