Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Same post same
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?