Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Mountain Goat : )
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Meow
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.