[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
ok like just. call me at this point
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget