Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
bought wrong eggs
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not