Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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emergency phone
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
this has done me in for some reason
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender