Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Last-minute gift idea!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Taliband
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
This did not end as expected.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent