Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials