Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe