Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.