Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.