People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit