@sarcasm_inc: Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.
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@noogscorner: Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It's all like waaaaaat no way.
@XplodingUnicorn: Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?
@Brentweets: So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
@alicewhitey: Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.