“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I support this random dude and all his protests
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
True
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.