“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.