Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
584.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
put ‘er there pardner!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat