Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.