Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.