me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Spider-cat: No One Home
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.