According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob