My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
incredible text to wake up to
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!