MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Would you wear it?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁