Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I think we should hear other voices.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.