Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no