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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
another case of gang violins
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Lol
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb