In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My ideal weight is five million dollars
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie