Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.