@crunchenhanced: Men's underwear should be called "manhole covers"
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@_TeaChap: I went on a date last night!nIt went really well...up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
@IamEnidColeslaw: the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
@TweetingDadGuy: Live tweeting from Sunday Mass! We're sitting. Now standing. Sitting. Sorry, should've been kneeling. Shit, that was embarrassing.