@crunchenhanced: Men's underwear should be called "manhole covers"
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@RexHuppke: I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
@Honeybuckle: Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn't, maybe consider being nicer to me.
@Brampersandon_: [stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
@bridger_w: "Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?" -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead