I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“That’s what” – She
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.