Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
This was a bad idea all around
how long have you had this for?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
new year update: losing everything but weight
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”