A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.