Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed