Is….Is this an option?
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My dad is at it again
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life