Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.