me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy