Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators