My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Become ungovernable.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.