My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.