Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Cake!!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Bring back the McRib
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
want me to check your oil?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*