Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
❤️❤️❤️
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!