Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
The French cow says MEUX…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.