You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Not all heroes wear capes….
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Beauty and the Beast
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert