[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
This is so me 😂😂
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what