@JRehling: Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
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@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
@jonnysun: SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3.. MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
@BeingDBEAST: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
@iwearaonesie: 9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this