@causticbob: Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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@TheBeerGuy73: Wife: Let's get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind! Me: How about a guillotine? Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.
@SamGrittner: I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said "she just wanted me to be happy," so I'm on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
@Sickayduh: "Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.